Stressed to the Max over Demands of Family Members

by jackie
(arkansas)

Out of 6 siblings, 3 of us take an active role in caring for my elderly parents.

My father is terminally ill, and he requires some kind of care due to his many health issues about every 2 hours. My mother isn't really physically or emotionally able to help him much, so we take turns living with them.

Bear in mind, there is very little sleep for whoever is on "shift". What is frustrating for me, is that my mother who does little to help and mostly complains, and one of the siblings who helps are obsessed with the idea that he can get better, he just can't "give up". This results in us basically keeping him alive. He would die within days if we stopped. He has said to me on several occasions he has had enough, but I think he feels that he will disappoint mom if he gives up.

It makes the situation even worse for me personally that I have a pretty un-supportive spouse. He is angry with me for being away from home for days at a time, other than me running home briefly to help keep up with household chores, and spend a little time with my kids. I miss my husband and children terribly, and I'm finding it horrible, this obsession with curing my 87 year old father.

I love my father dearly, but this seems like torture to me. I can't imagine being so sick and wanting to go on but you hold back because there are those that are too selfish to let you go. Nothing is good enough for my mother, and we have become her maids when we are there.

I am on the verge of walking away. I asked the unrealistic sibling how long he was going to continue this 24/7 fight to keep a terminally ill person alive, and he said "Years, if I must".

That is just not healthy. I don't think he or my mother would care if I ended up divorced, I think they would actually be relieved because I could devote all of my life to them if that happened.

So basically, I feel like I have the support of no one. Friends that haven't been there just don't understand, far away siblings have been far away for so long that to them we are just doing what we are supposed to do because we live close, mom finds fault with everything, siblings want to extend this 24/7 care that is going to miraculously cure him whether dad likes it or not, and I have a husband that makes sure that I know what a neglectful wife and mother I am.

I don't think I can hold out much longer, something has got to give, and my future is with my husband and kids, not with what I'm doing now. I reminded my mother when she was on one of her tirades that she had no right to complain, her and dad lived far enough away from home they didn't ever have to do anything really to help their parents. But we have to dedicate the rest of our lives to them? Sorry, I'm just venting!