"Raising" my Mother-In-Law - Do I Hate her Now?

One year ago my Father In Law became terminally ill. Both parents were already struggling with their health and sustaining, although we weren't aware of how bad things really were until they moved in with us.

At first I felt like a hero. I had the time and resources to devote to their every need. My Father In Law died under my hospice care in my home. It had been discussed that my Mother In Law would move in with her daughter, but since she had already settled in with us, she stayed. I made my youngest son, 14 at the time, move out of his room to make room for his grandparents.

A year has gone by and things are getting worse. Especially my resentment. We get NO help from my bro/sis in law. They don't complain or criticize either, so at least I have that going for me.

When I do say something to my BIL, he says, "You asked for it," which we did not. I offered to take care of them during hospice, not for the rest of my life. She's not even MY mother. My husband goes back and forth about having his mom here. One minute he's ready to send her to a home, but then when one of us complains, he defends her. I would want my sons to defend me, so I get it, but I end up feeling like he's unfair.

She's disabled, but not invalid. She pees and poops herself, but won't do anything to prevent the accidents either. She lies about taking her medicine and went over two months without taking her insulin shots without telling anyone. She passes the most raunchy, loud and purposeful gas ever. She stands in the middle of the living room, and literally pushes the gas out. Then, if questioned about why she does it, she says she can't help it... I'm like... um... yes you can... I just saw you push it out of your body. In other words you could make it 20 feet to the bathroom, at which time it would probably eject naturally.

I used to let her have 'my' seat in the car. The front passenger seat, when my husband drove. She started getting in the habit of putting her left hand over on his leg, but close to his crotch. He would move it, and she would put it back. He told me it made him uncomfortable and would ask her to stop. After a few months, we told her to sit in the back seat from now on.

I got her a dog right after her husband passed, for comfort, and now wish I never had. The dog pees because she won't care for her properly. She's been taught to beg and is rapidly gaining weight. She treats the dog better than she treats her own grand kids. She tells us to shut up and get lost and all kinds of stuff.

Everyone outside of our home thinks so highly of her. They think she's so wonderful. Why? Because she doesn't pee and poop herself in public or at her kids' homes. She doesn't tell her kids and their kids to shut up. She doesn't hit their animals with her cane. She doesn't wad up her pee soaked pads and shove them under her bed at their house. Did I mention how bad her room smells? She piles dirty pee and pooped clothes in her closet until the pile is 4' tall. She has to be told to clean and shower herself.

I feel like I hate her now. I used to love her dearly, but now cannot stand the site, sound or smell of her. I guess I'm just resentful. I knew things would change, but I didn't expect this.

I've tried to get my brother/sister in law to have an active part of her life, but they don't seem to want to. They like the status quo. My Sister In Law did tell me that she can hardly be patient with her for an hour and felt sorry for us. That's something, I guess. It would seem that if she was that aware of how hard it is, she would do more to offer us a break. We live one town over, about 25 minutes away. We drive to their town 3-4 days a week, but they have been to our house a total of 4-5 times each since she moved in a year ago.

Now I feel like I'm just complaining, so I'll wrap it up. And so you know, we've tried all sorts of approaches with no changes in her behavior. I am posting this so that if someone else has these same feelings they'll know their not alone. By the way, I'm a Christian and that only adds to my guilt. The Bible says we're to honor our elders, and take care of the widows, and care for our parents when they get old. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, so why do I resent it so much?