Taking Care of Father-in-law In My Home

by Tina
(Nashville)

My husband is an only child, and it was never a question to either of us, that when the time came to be, that his Dad would move in with us. Other outside facility options were never discussed and never an option, because we knew that he would never be happy.

However, after we experienced three short and wonderful months of empty nest, my husband and I were ecstatic to have had a much lacked privacy and re-discovered ourselves and our relationship. We were so happy!

And then the crash hit, and the party was over. My father-in-laws health had been deteriorating quickly over the last year. He has multiple health issues with CHF, liver failure and insulin dependent diabetes. We knew he couldn't live in another state by himself any longer. A relative found him one day, passed out in his living room, because his sugar dropped too low. So he came for a trial period to last 3 months, which tuned into 6 months, after which time he agreed that it was better for him to move in with us.

I am a registered nurse, and our trial period seemed like a smooth transition. He can still comfortably commute himself to the grocery and drug store less than a mile from our house. He was eating healthier, and his diabetes was under control. I took him to his doctors appointments and tests.

But gradually I started feeling depressed and worn out. My husband and I never have time alone together any more, except for dinner and a movie, but when we come home, he is always sitting there, waiting on us. Even when our kids were here, they would go places from time to time. But Dad doesn't want to go anywhere, just sits at home and reads or watches t.v. He doesn't have any other living relatives, except for his deceased wife's family that live in another state.

We had planned for him to go visit one of them for a week because he had a class reunion to attend. But he canceled out at the last minute, and my husband and aaaahhhed, and got over it.

But it is a problem now, when my children come to visit, because they bring their pets. I don't have any grandchildren yet, so they are grand puppies and grand kitties to me, and they bring me such joy. But Dad gets upset when they come over, so I gated off the family room, so that Dad can be alone in the living room.

Holidays are so horrible, that I would like to cancel them permanently. Like at Thanksgiving when my sister and my twin nieces were scheduled to visit. Dad suddenly started feeling ill. He complained of chest pains the day before they were to arrive. I took all his vitals, which were normal, but you just don't play around with chest pains. So I rushed him to the emergency room, and they kept him overnight. But all the tests came back normal, and he was suddenly feeling better.

Meanwhile, I was juggling between my job, getting ready for company, cooking a holiday dinner and feeling angry at him because deep down I felt that he was trying to force me into canceling my family from coming. They did come, and he stayed in his room the majority of the time, but fun was had and memories were made.

Dad came down with a horrible flu in December. Around the 12th I told him I thought he should go to the hospital. He refused, saying that he could fight it off. Our company was to arrive on the 19th. By the 16th he was so bad, that I had to take my last vacation day (which I wanted to use while my company was here), to take him to the hospital, after his doctor insisted. He stayed there three days and returned home the day before company hit. My son and his family, along with my sister-in-law and two nieces came to celebrate, and again Dad stayed in his room, and we had fun and made memories without him.

Just before Memorial Day, our daughters and pets were coming to celebrate; he started feeling dizzy, and just didn't feel right. I ignored the complaint. I did check his pill box that I arrange weekly for him, and noticed that he hadn't taken his pills that morning. My husband asked me what to do about his symptoms; I had previously hinted to him that Dad always seems to have health complaints around holidays. And he got upset and said that you can't fake pallor and sweating; and I replied that you could if you didn't take your prescribed medicines.

So it just feels awful now. My husband and I are more distant now than we have ever been in our relationship. We have absolutely no privacy, and our love life is horrible, A large part of it is because I know that Dad is either right next door in his bedroom or downstairs under us in the living room. I am totally miserable and have gained so much weight that I now weigh more than I ever have, even when I was pregnant.

I don't know of anyone who is in my situation, and I just want to cry all the time. My husband doesn't understand what is wrong with me. But, he just goes to work, comes home and sits down while I fix dinner and keep up with the laundry and our 4 bedroom home. He travels from time to time with his job knowing that I will take care of his Dad. And I just come home every day to the same, sad, depressing routine, every day!