I have more Resentment and Anger...

by MHD
(Syracuse, NY)

My mom had a stroke the day after Thanksgiving 2010. I was out of town at the time and rushed home. On the plane ride home, all these thoughts entered and I felt guilty for not spending more time with her or paying more attention to her, etc. I prayed and prayed and promised that if she made it that I would cherish her more and more.

Fast forward to 3 months later and she finally came home after a month in the hospital and 2 months in in-patient rehab. She had paralysis on her right side (her dominant side) and was wheelchair bound. I dropped everything, work and my life, in order to stay home with her to take care of her. I couldn't ask my dad to do that because he was the bread maker of the family.

The first month was rough having to do everything for her. Taking care of her every need. Little by little she was able to slowly walk again, with the assistance of a hemi-walker but her much weakness. It's a start, right?

Once she started walking again, she lost all motivation and hope of even trying to get better. All she would do is lay on the couch all day, not eat, not take her medications and just not want anything to do with life. Signs of depression, I felt and of course insurance only paid for a limited amount of home care therapy and that was done by March.

This past April,she ended up in the hospital again after her 2 day in out-patient therapy because her blood pressure kept increasing and was dangerously high. She stayed in the hospital for a day and we thought that maybe this "scare" was enough to get her motivated to get up and exercise again. In the hospital she promised us she would try, promised this and that...in the end...once she was discharged and came home...she was back to her old self.

Now it's mid-June and I've felt anger and resentment towards her for the past 3 months now. I cringe at the thought of coming home or even being home. I can't stand to talk to her or be anywhere near her. I get irritated when she is 100% capable of doing things yet, she tells her elderly husband that he must do this and that for her. He, feeling guilty himself that she's sick, will do things for her when he knows she can do it and she has to practice doing it in order to get better.

I'm irritated at home all the time and it seems like the more I tell my dad that she can do it, the more he doesn't listen to me. The more I tell her she needs to exercise or go outside and walk around, the more she ignores me as well.

I'm under 30 and everyone tells me I still have my future to worry about. I went back to school for the Spring semester and am hoping to study in the Medical field, like I wanted to before but had to quit school in order to start working and help support the family. None of my siblings are around and everyone around me thinks it's a piece of cake taking care of her. I don't know what else to do and I feel now I am being taken for granted.

What do I do?

Resentment no, Disappointment yes!

by Nameless
(Caregiver)

Considering the mom has lived with my husband and I for about 15yrs after selling her house. The usual Doctor's appointments, healthcare decisions along with the mountain of other tasks has mounted up over the years.

Taking time off from a full time job, changing jobs frequently to find one that permits telecommuting and flex time is a blessing.

The siblings live some distance away and with moms health decline requiring a home health aide(wonderful)the responsibility of everything is to the pint of exhaustion. I have relayed the information to siblings with the reply that "Do what's best for you". Never once have they offered to come for a week, or stay a few hours even to give me a break. They take vacations and spend time with their families which I can appreciate but when I ask for help all I get is their backs turned. Kind of like falling and raising your hand up for help up and there's no one there.

I get the "you should do this or that" but they haven't a clue as to what mom's capabilities are or are not and the best place for her currently is here with me.

Sadly, I don't think the siblings would look after her like I do.
Perhaps it's the way I am put together and I would like for moms last years to be in comfort and stability but it becomes a daily challenge.

My marriage and relationships have suffered yet I push on. I figure if folks don't want to hang with you during the ruff times they might not be worth having around anyway.
Well per usual I hear some rustling around and I need to go tens to what mom needs.

It's a thankless job most of the time but at least I know that I do not suffer alone and there are plenty of others walking this same path.
Good luck to all and may mercy shine on us when our time comes.

Resentment for an Elderly Parent

by Barbara
(UK)

I am an only child of 55 who cares for her elderly mom of 95. She has carers as I live a long way away but I am on the phone everyday to her. I have battled a high risk of breast cancer this year and still have to deal with her depression due to her bad arthritis, bad eye sight, etc.

I am giving up working full time as I have to accompany her to hospital and stay with her after wards. Old peoples selfishness I cannot deal with. They are not the only ones with health issues. I have a bet with my husband that I would be drawing my pension and my mom will still be here. She thinks she has not got a lot of time left!