Stressed to the Max over Demands of Family Members

by jackie
(arkansas)

Out of 6 siblings, 3 of us take an active role in caring for my elderly parents.

My father is terminally ill, and he requires some kind of care due to his many health issues about every 2 hours. My mother isn't really physically or emotionally able to help him much, so we take turns living with them.

Bear in mind, there is very little sleep for whoever is on "shift". What is frustrating for me, is that my mother who does little to help and mostly complains, and one of the siblings who helps are obsessed with the idea that he can get better, he just can't "give up". This results in us basically keeping him alive. He would die within days if we stopped. He has said to me on several occasions he has had enough, but I think he feels that he will disappoint mom if he gives up.

It makes the situation even worse for me personally that I have a pretty un-supportive spouse. He is angry with me for being away from home for days at a time, other than me running home briefly to help keep up with household chores, and spend a little time with my kids. I miss my husband and children terribly, and I'm finding it horrible, this obsession with curing my 87 year old father.

I love my father dearly, but this seems like torture to me. I can't imagine being so sick and wanting to go on but you hold back because there are those that are too selfish to let you go. Nothing is good enough for my mother, and we have become her maids when we are there.

I am on the verge of walking away. I asked the unrealistic sibling how long he was going to continue this 24/7 fight to keep a terminally ill person alive, and he said "Years, if I must".

That is just not healthy. I don't think he or my mother would care if I ended up divorced, I think they would actually be relieved because I could devote all of my life to them if that happened.

So basically, I feel like I have the support of no one. Friends that haven't been there just don't understand, far away siblings have been far away for so long that to them we are just doing what we are supposed to do because we live close, mom finds fault with everything, siblings want to extend this 24/7 care that is going to miraculously cure him whether dad likes it or not, and I have a husband that makes sure that I know what a neglectful wife and mother I am.

I don't think I can hold out much longer, something has got to give, and my future is with my husband and kids, not with what I'm doing now. I reminded my mother when she was on one of her tirades that she had no right to complain, her and dad lived far enough away from home they didn't ever have to do anything really to help their parents. But we have to dedicate the rest of our lives to them? Sorry, I'm just venting!

The Demands of Caregivers

It is a fact of life that the young grows old one day if the life cycle makes a complete round. Hence, caregivers to the young and the old are essential to the cycle of life. The young are not able to care for themselves as they do not have the knowledge or experience as yet. They need to be taught and shown how. Whereas the old are frail and weak with many health issues that limit their movements and capabilities. Both these categories fall at the opposite ends of the life spectrum.

The caregiver is an important element to these two groups of people. However, the giving of care may be too much at times for a caregiver. Caregivers are subject to stress and burnout as with any other job. The demands on a caregiver are high when you do not have much control over the circumstances. Hence, the caregiver must be alert to the signs of weariness in his responsibility when caring for the young or the old.

Dangers of Burnout

Burnout can damage the caregiver's physical health as well as mental health. A caregiver needs good and strong support to provide the necessary and effective care to his wards.

Stress can build up easily if not checked and control. It can cause burnout to a caregiver, rendering him or her ineffective in his/her responsibilities. Frustration, despair, guilt and throwing in the towel feelings may creep up on the caregiver who does not manage his stress well in his care giving responsibilities.

But there are workable steps which a caregiver can take to avoid burnout.

Maximize your knowledge about the illness

A caregiver will feel more in control and confident when he is familiar with the illness of his charge. With the knowledge, you are able to assess the situation and patient correctly every time and administer the right treatment, whether it is medication or counseling. Your care giving effort would be more effective and you will reap joy and satisfaction as you notice good results.

Care giving boundaries

Know your strengths and weaknesses as a caregiver. Determine how much time you will offer as a caregiver with your strengths while working to improve your weaknesses. Communicate these traits and expectations to your supporting staff so that you will not be given unnecessary pressure in your responsibility.

Unleash your feelings

Care giving is an emotional job; varied emotions can be triggered. A caregiver must learn to allow her feelings to surface, accepted and cleared so that they do not be a burden in the future.

Cooperation with others

A caregiver is not a lone ranger; there should be a team of caregivers working together who can support each other at work and emotionally. This group must be trustworthy and professional in their character as they handle their roles as caregivers.

Volumocity is a community for the sharing of ideas and tools to bring balance, ease, and enrichment back into modern hectic lives. At Volumocity, we seek to find ways to share ideas on elder care that bring true meaning on childcare and authenticity into crunch generation.